you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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