I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
