i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
