i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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