It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
