I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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