90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Is Oprah even human
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
