I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
