I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
