How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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