Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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