Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
