Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
