I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
