Betty ford says i'm here all night
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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