yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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