Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
