Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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