anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
