ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
