Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
