I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
