she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
