My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
