captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I don't deserve a penis
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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