HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
