I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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