I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
