So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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