she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
