You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
