I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
