Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Less talking, more tequila
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
