Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Randomize
