He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
