So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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