How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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