This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
