well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
