Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
