forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
