I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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