i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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