I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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