you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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