So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
