On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
