Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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