the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
