I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
