Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
